1. Leora wasn’t as well-developed a character as everyone else.
2. It didn’t pass The Bechdel Test.

So, I decided the second episode would be a good time to bring in Janet, a recurring character glimpsed briefly at the end of the pilot (She’s the one in green). During the episode, she talks to Leora about things other than men. Problem solved. Oh, and she’s also a fairly interesting character in her own right. As is Leora, now that I’m giving her a chance to show herself.

Anyway, this episode’s gonna be about sexist advertising, and how it’s stupid and all that. And also how sexism is stupid. I know, real profound, right?

Hit the jump to read a scene from the script. If you were a paid Plankhead member, you’d already have been able to read the full, entire script, and for a limited time, you can get a LIFETIME PLANKHEAD MEMBERSHIP!!! with your donation of $5 or more at the Your Face is a Saxophone Donation Page. I just did a sales pitch. I feel dirty.

Okay, anyway. Script excerpt. Here it is:

 INT. BUZZWORD OFFICE - CUBICLES

               Andrew is sitting at his desk, loudly yammering on his
               iPhone.

                                          ANDREW
                              Look, asshole, you don't have any
                              right to call me a pretentious
                              yuppie douchebag. You're supposed
                              to be a genius, so shut the fuck
                              up and fix my iPad!

               He hangs up the call and puts the phone back down on his
               desk.

                                          ANDREW
                                     (muttering to
                                     himself)
                              I'm not a douchebag.
                                     (yelling)
                              Okay, bitches, everybody drop
                              everything and come pay attention
                              to me!

               Andrew stands up and walks out into the
               corridor-between-cubicle-thingy. His throng of accountants
               joins him: JANET Teixera, MICHAEL Jones, ROBERT Gregory,
               PUNEET (last name TBD), PHILIP (last name TBD), JASON Cheng,
               IVAN Volkov, MARTY (TBD), KIRK Haverblaff.

                                          MICHAEL
                              I was kind of busy working on
                              the--

                                          ANDREW
                              Shut up, diversity quota, nobody
                              asked you.

               Michael, by the way, is black.

                                          ANDREW (CONT'D)
                              Now, can someone remind me who the
                              hell it was we were meeting with?
                              I honestly couldn't be bothered to
                              pay attention.

                                          IVAN
                              It was Charles Schwab, the
                              investment firm.

                                          ANDREW
                              I know that, you commie bastard!
                              It was a rhetorical question!

                                          IVAN
                              No it wasn't.

                                          ANDREW
                              Why are you still talking? Go get
                              alcohol poisoning from vodka or
                              whatever you people do. Okay,
                              Charles Schwab. What do they do?
                              They let you buy stocks and shit,
                              right?

               Beat.

                                          ANDREW
                              Hello? Anyone?

                                          JANET
                              Are we allowed to answer?

                                          ANDREW
                              Are you allowed to -- what the
                              fuck kind of a question is that?
                              Yes, you're allowed to answer! Why
                              would I ask something if I didn't
                              want an answer?

                                          IVAN
                              Because you ask rhetorical
                              quest--?

                                          ANDREW
                              That was another rhetorical
                              question, dumbass! Jesus fucking
                              Christ, this guy! Oh my god! Now
                              is anybody gonna answer my
                              question?

                                          JANET
                              Yes, they let you buy stocks.
                              They're a stock brok--

                                          ANDREW
                              I know they let you buy stocks! I
                              just said that! You people are
                              killin' me today! I was asking,
                              who's the demographic we wanna
                              reach?

                                          MICHAEL
                              Nooooo, you weren't.

                                          ANDREW
                              Excuse me, how do you know what I
                              was asking?

                                          MICHAEL
                              Clearly I don't.

                                          ANDREW
                              Are you inside my head?

                                          MICHAEL
                              No.

                                          ANDREW
                              Do you have any understanding of
                              my own, personal thought processes
                              that go on in my brain?

                                          MICHAEL
                              Absolutely not.

                                          ANDREW
                              No! You don't! So you don't get to
                              tell me what I was asking, because
                              I, of all people, would know
                              exactly what that was!

               Blake walks by. He stops at the group, blocking his path.

                                          BLAKE
                              Hey, can I get by?

                                          ANDREW
                              No! Go around!

                                          BLAKE
                              I can't go around! My cubicle's
                              behind you guys!

                                          ANDREW
                              So climb!

                                          BLAKE
                              Wh-what?

               Andrew ignores Blake and keeps berating his team members.

                                          ANDREW
                              Now, where was I before we were so
                              rudely interrupted?

               Long pause.

                                          IVAN
                              You were --

                                          ANDREW
                              Did I look like I was done
                              talking? Demographics! We need to
                              reach upper middle class
                              professionals, 35 to 59, that's
                              our market!

               Blake clambers atop the cubicles in the background, bracing
               himself against the unstable ceiling tiles as he tries to
               reach his.

                                          JANET
                              The guys from Schwab said they
                              wanted 18 to 34. They wanna reach
                              more young people.

                                          ANDREW
                              Did I ask for your opinion?

                                          JANET
                              That's the client's opinion. We're
                              supposed to be doing what the
                              client wants.

               Blake loses his balance and falls to the floor, yelping in
               pain, causing a cacophany of collapsing cubicles.

                                          ANDREW
                              Okay, Janet, you know what? You
                              know what? You're not supposed to
                              talk. Your job is to stand there
                              and be a pair of tits, okay?

               Janet stands there, dumbfounded, unable to form a response,
               let alone completely process what Andrew just said. Her
               fellow employees are much the same, shocked even by Andrew's
               standards.

                                          ANDREW
                              I just asked you a question!

Also I got writer’s block trying to write the gunfight, which is where I stopped writing the original. Because of this, and becuase getting realistic prop guns in New York City is expensive when legal, I decided to replace the guns with shurikens and lightning. Well, okay, just shurikens. And katanas!!! It’ll all be very Snow Crash-y; Jarod Bright actually is kinda similar to Hiro Protagonist if I remember the novel correctly.

When is Snow Crash going to get adapted into a movie or video game already? Actually, to be really meta-weird, someone could code a Snow Crash action/RPG in LSL and put it on Second Life. It would be like…Third Life.